Posted by PariSarah on 20:41 Jun 16
In Reply to: Defiance in 7 year old - help! posted by LJ
Unless she has some developmental or behavioral challenges, she is, as a seven-year-old, capable of understanding what she is doing wrong and refraining from doing it. She doesn't need warnings and visual reminders--she needs motivation.
For chores, I would simply assign extra if she doesn't respond with an immediate and cheerful "Yes ma'am." No warnings, no reminders, no emotion on your part. "You've just earned a second chore. Please unload the dishwasher like I asked, and when you are finished I will tell you what your second chore will be."
For anything else, I would have a list of seven things that she enjoys and that would be painful for her to lose. Number one should get her attention very clearly, and number seven should leave her with nothing to do but twiddle her thumbs in her empty room. When ds was four, the list went something like, trains, cars, all toys, all books, . . . something, something, and Cookie Monster (his security object). I don't think we ever got to the books. We don't need this any more, but if we had a list today, it would start off with the bike, and end up with all outside play time.
If she's defiant, she loses the first item on the list for a month. No reminders, no warnings, no emotion on your part. "You've just lost number one for a month. Now, please get into the bathtub." Losing subsequent items means the month starts over, too. So losing number two halfway through the month means that she's now got to go a full month before getting back two AND one.
This can be communicated to her in a single conversation. You only need to say to her once, "You've gotten into the habit of being defiant, and I've gotten into the habit of letting you. My habits are changing as of today. Here's what's going to happen. Here's the list, here's my plan about the chores, blah blah blah. It's up to you to change your habits."
Insert standard caveats here about making sure you're respecting her needs--giving her a five-minute warning, making sure she has adequate play time, making sure you're not constantly interrupting something that's important to her to go fetch your sunglasses, etc. And if she's recently gone through a major life change (moving, family tragedy, etc.), I might go a different route. But if this is your garden variety boundaries-testing, I think you should make it as clear as possible how much the pleasantness of her life depends on her treating you with respect.